Chicago solves student-violence problem

Sept. 17, 2012

By John Seiler

Leave it to The Onion to point out something interesting. For the past week, the Chicago schools system has solved its endemic school-violence problem:

CHICAGO—Jubilant Chicago Public Schools officials announced Friday that, for five straight days now, there has not been a single act of student violence in any of the city’s 675 public schools. “Our classrooms and hallways are safer now than they’ve ever been,” said CPS chief executive Jean-Claude Brizard, happily noting that there have been no reported instances of beatings, stabbings, sexual assaults, or shootings in any of the city’s public schools this week. “We’ve had no incidents of weapons being brought onto school property, nor has anyone had to break up a fistfight between students. We’ve all had to work together for this, but it’s paid off. Let’s keep it up!” At press time, a gunfight on Chicago’s South Side had reportedly claimed the lives of three 16-year-old boys.

It’s a joke, of course. There’s no violence in the schools because greedy teachers have been on strike. No teachers, no school, no violence.

Chicago should keep its no-school-violence record intact by just canceling the whole school year. Anyway, the kids will learn more at home — or on the streets.

California should do likewise. Control school violence. Cancel government schools.

Tags assigned to this article:
John SeilerThe OnionChicago school strike

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