Gov. Jerry Brown Resigns

APRIL 1, 2012

By JOHN SEILER

SACRAMENTO — Declaring California “ungovernable,” Gov Jerry Brown today resigned from office. “My father built the California water system, the university system and the schools system, and I can’t even get a measly tax increase to pay for High-Speed Rail,” he said. He was referring to his late father, Pat Brown, governor of the state in the early 1960s.

“In my State of the State Address back in January, I said the California Dream was still alive. I said, ‘We have the inventors, the dreamers, the entrepreneurs, the venture capitalists and a vast array of physical, intellectual and political assets.’ But let’s face it, all those people left for Texas.”

Brown again drew on his classical Latin eruditon, which he received from the Jesuits. “I once warned of an imminent ‘bellum omnium contra omnes.’ Well, folks, it’s here.”

The Latin phrase translates to “war of all against all.” It was first used by Thomas Hobbes in his book, “Leviathan,” referring to a condition in which a chaos exists because of the lack of a strong leader to impose order.

“I’ve tried so hard to make things better in this state, but they just keep getting worse,” Brown continued. “The Republicans block every decent tax-increase proposal I put forward. The Democrats keep squabbling about everything. I gave everything to the teachers’ unions, but they still want more, even as student achievement keeps dropping.

“I’m through. Gone. Outta here. Goodbye. Adios. Hasta la vista, baby.”

Commentators speculate that the last phrase might be a cryptic reference to former Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, who made it a catch phrase in his movie, “Terminator 2: Judgment Day.”

In his farewell speech, Brown complained, “Even the Terminator couldn’t fix this state. What could I do?”

The Brown resignation catapulted Lt. Gov. Gavin Newsom, the former mayor of San Francisco, into the governor’s chair. Newsom held a press conference and announced, “In this time of troubles, we Californians have come together. The California Dream still is alive in my heart, and I’m sure in yours. We can pull together to create jobs, boost our economy, improve education and get California moving again.” Here’s an excerpt from his speech:

Former Gov. Brown was cornered by reporters at LAX boarding a private jet. When asked where he was going, he replied. “Where else? Texas.”

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(Oh, and have a happy April Fools’ Day.)