Live Like You’re A Liberal

MARCH 20, 2012

Songs and books have been written about the importance of living every day as if it will be your last. While a seemingly noble concept, living out each day indulging in special moments and treats instead of addressing responsibilities could be seen as a little self-indulgent.

However, living as a liberal would be much more accepted and easier, far more self-satisfying and approved by the mass media.

Being a conservative in California is just too much work.

But before I fully tap into my inner liberal, I will need to practice dropping the f-bomb in casual conversation more frequently, brush up on making stinging personal attacks against people I dislike or disagree with and watch more vile television programs like “Two and a Half Men.”

Living like a liberal is going to be easy and fun, but the To-Do list is long.

It’s Time To Demand A Free Education

Because California needs one more smarmy, liberal lawyer, I plan on signing up for law school. To pay for tuition and books, as well as my considerable personal expenses while I attend, I will need massive student loans and all of the Cal-Grants I can get my hands on.

In order to qualify for the grants, I will have to dump my husband and quit my job. Life will be more enjoyable going to school instead of working, while maintaining a well-deserved and very active social life. The divorce will help seal the necessary indigence requirement for loan and grant qualification, since I am not considered part of a protected minority class.

Meet Your New Neighborhood Nanny

Because I know what’s best for all of my neighbors, friends and family, I will practice being everyone’s neighborhood nanny, beginning with turning in all of the fireplace-users and water violators in my neighborhood.

Next, I will lead the fight for water meter installation on every home in the city, usage limiters on the heating and air conditioning systems in each of the 6,000 homes in my neighborhood, as well as the requisite solar systems on the rooftops, and home water storage and recycling systems.

Every neighbor should be composting, as well.

While I will work to make sure that tiny, white twinkle lights are still allowed on homes during the generic winter holiday, no Nativity scenes, plastic Santas or Frostys will be allowed.

This neighborhood nanny will work to ban all political signs from neighbors’ lawns, because isn’t everyone who matters already liberal?

It’s All About ‘Green’

I will buy a Chevy Volt — no, I’ll buy a Tesla. I am worth the best. I will just add the $109,000 onto my student loans. The carbon offset credits from the purchase should cover me until 2050.

I will shame my “ex-husband” into dumping his SUV. He can drive a Prius like everyone else in the neighborhood.

The Journalist In Me

I will subscribe to the New York Times and the Washington Post, and start out every day listening to NPR for daily liberal talking points, and voting tips.

I will no longer need to do my own research on important economic trends, energy independence, social issues or global warming.  Like all other liberals, I will be able to get up every morning and get my fill of liberal politics fed to me as I eat my daily ration of organic multi-grain cereal with pesticide-free banana slices.

Tapping My Inner Vegan

Since I am already a vegetarian, it’s time to force my righteously healthy eating habits on everyone I encounter. It is not enough to make a scene in a restaurant when demanding special preparation of my food orders, it’s time to demand that restaurants feed everyone the way I eat.

Dreamy Social Issues

As a soon-to-be-liberal-lawyer-in-training, I plan on practicing manipulation of the law, and will demand that the government take care of everyone who wants or needs all social services.

The environment — especially the coast — will take precedence over the people of California.  We must save the ocean, save the whales, save the spotted owl, save the desert tortoise, save the Delta Smelt, save the Redwoods and Sequoias and save Malibu and Carmel while we’re at it.

Animals and prisoners have rights too. And state employees deserve their own Bill of Rights.

The Occupier In Me

Note to self: Meet up with local Occupiers to protest for a free education, free healthcare coverage, a free home, free transportation and free coffee from Starbuck’s.

Removal of the Conservative Outer Layer

The need to liberate my stodgy, conservative self is overpowering. I vow to give away my sensible dresses and slacks in exchange for more grungy, man-of-the-people clothes. Then I will stop wearing makeup, nail polish and hair products that are tested on laboratory animals. I will replace my fascist gold earrings with grommets. I’ll pierce my nose, lip, and cheek and get a sleeve of tattoos on my left arm … because I am left-handed.

The best part of this fashion change is that I won’t have to do laundry as frequently, and jewelry changes will be nil.

Liberal Mom Redux

I am going to need to talk my son into quitting the Navy. I don’t know how a kid who attended Montessori School in kindergarten found his way into the Navy.

I must have fed him too much meat when he was a child.

Rebirth As A Feminist

Becoming a card-carrying feminist should be the most fun part of being liberal: 1) Always play the victim; 2) Attack conservative women for their lofty morals and disciplined work ethic; 3) Be mean to other women; 4) Be meaner to men; 5) Hate myself for having a uterus; 6) Turn my boy children into wimps; 7) Replace husband with a girlfriend.

Tax The Rich

As an angry, activist, feminist lawyer, I will pursue changes to the tax code requiring the 1 percenters to pay more than their fair share of taxes. The rich have been enjoying their money for too long, and need to spread some of that love around.

Crass Is Cool

Lastly, I am going to contact talk radio hosts across America, and convince them to become comedians — or at least call themselves comedians. Once everyone knows they are comedians, they can say anything they want — crass, gross, disgusting, distasteful and vulgar things — and get away with it. They wouldn’t even have to be funny.

As a liberal, I’ll be able to talk like a sailor anywhere I want. I might even start watching Bill Maher without recoiling in disgust.

Rebirth as a liberal is going to be fun and easier. And maybe, just maybe, some of my old friends and dinner party acquaintances will start talking to me again. Sometimes I miss being part of the über-popular crowd.

— Katy Grimes


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  1. larry 62
    larry 62 20 March, 2012, 20:27

    Katy, This is your best column ever. Never gave it much thought, but you are right. Being liberal, especially in
    California would be easier. I have found that my only relief comes from reading the Wall Street Journal, which gives me some hope for the future of this country.

    Reply this comment
  2. Frank Harris-Smith
    Frank Harris-Smith 21 March, 2012, 11:23

    lol – Excellent Article. Much more entertaining than “Liberalism causes brain damage”

    Reply this comment
  3. Lee Welter
    Lee Welter 22 March, 2012, 07:52

    The real challenge: how would you cope once the productive people learn to protect themselves from “Social Justice” and other excuses for parasitism?

    Reply this comment
  4. Sarah Merrill
    Sarah Merrill 22 March, 2012, 12:19

    Hmmmm. This post looks like you have made great headway towards “brushing up on making stinging personal attacks against people you dislike or disagree with. ”

    For the record I am a democrat and a liberal and I don’t swear at all. I also find it offensive when other people use the F word around me and my children. I have asked people to please watch their language around my children and they have always been respectful.

    I am also married to a conservative man who would never post something like this on the internet that is not funny and encourages negative stereotyping that helps divide our country instead of unifying it.

    Although I try to use water conservatively as is taught to all children in public school, I don’t know anyone who tells others what to do in this regard (to neighbors or friends) or for that matter in energy usage, or even whether they recycle or not. However, it would be good to encourage this type of social responsibilty through educational programs. There are also many programs taught about composting at local nature centers, etc. because it is good for the future of our planet and the people, animals, etc that live here.

    I agree that the ban of the word “Merry Christmas” is ridiculous. I lived in Seoul, S. Korea for 4 years where most people are not Christian and yet I saw more Merry Christmas signs around town there than I do in the very Christian USA. I think people who are offended by the “Merry Christmas” thing have a problem (I am not Christian BTW). I also think it is fine to have nativities, etc.

    Most “green” liberals know that it is better to get a small, used car rather than a new electric or hybrid car, but the materialistic ones will still go for those. They are both better than a large suburban-type/SUV car as far as pollution is concerned. Many conservatives also care about pollution. Most of us know that carbon offsets are a joke. I would have prefered my husband to buy a “green” car, but I didn’t complain when he purchased a Nissan 370Z. (I just roll my eyes and accept him as he is)

    This is also my reaction when he purchases his giant steak and I go vegetarian.

    I know that all liberal lawyers practice manipulation of the law just as much as conservative lawyers (meaning some do and some don’t).

    It isn’t a bad thing to say that we want the poorest people of society given some help through services (women are actually the poorest people in American society – this is because women outlive men in old age and are more often single parents- of course their are also the disabled and those with mental health issues, etc.).

    Saving the environment and other endangered species does not come before caring for people – in the end caring for the environment and other species is about caring for the people who live here and in the future. It might inconvenience people somewhat for a short time, but it is a benefit for all in the long-term.

    Yes, animals and prisoners should have some rights. Animals suffer and prisoners are people. They shouldn’t have the same rights as others, but they should have rights.

    The church I attend (Unitarian) is filled with liberals wearing “sensible dresses and slacks” every Sunday.

    Wearing makeup, nail polish, jewelry and hair products doesn’t make someone a better or more moral person, and the converse is true as well. Neither do peircings or tattoos make someone bad, although I have to say that I do not have any tatoos or piercings besides my ears and neither do most liberals I know. Although I wouldn’t judge them if they did.

    I think most liberals have respect for the US military soldiers – it is the wars they are against, not the people. My husband is a member of the US military BTW (physician).

    I would certainly call myself a feminist and you might too if you took the time to take a women’s studies course(s) and learn about how women have been discriminated against throughout history and how it still lingers today. The last thing feminists do is play the victim. That is the opposite of what a feminist is today. If they do attack conservative non-feminist women it is not over values, but because they have played into the belief that they are inferior, and they can’t even see it. Certainly conservative women are not harder workers than liberal women by any stretch of the imagination. Feminists value women friendships. They also don’t hate men, they just want to have relationships as peers – with equality and be treated like that in the workplace as well. Feminists are not all or even mostly lesbians, although most lesbians are feminists. There are also many men who are feminists today – who advocate for women. Feminists are not angry, they just refuse to be subservient.

    My sons are not wimps even though I did try to bring out their sensitive side. My daughter who is adopted from Russia also has a high-self esteem.

    1 percenters should pay more taxes. Even many of these people think so, like Warren Buffet. They realize that they wouldn’t even notice it and it would help others tremendously.

    When conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh attacked Sandra Fluke it certainly was crass, gross, disgusting, distasteful and vulgar and it wasn’t the slightest bit funny.

    Reply this comment
  5. Sarah Merrill
    Sarah Merrill 22 March, 2012, 12:26

    I want to clarify when I say that “feminist women do not attack nonfeminist women over values” – meaning that a conservative woman with conservative values can also be a feminist (meaning the desire for equality).

    Reply this comment
  6. David H
    David H 22 March, 2012, 20:31

    One question for Sarah, if you want. You certainly have heard the story of Jesus Christ, or maybe even read one of the gospels (best sellers). In your eyes was Jesus more liberal or conservative. I ask respectfully.

    Reply this comment
  7. Jon p
    Jon p 23 March, 2012, 00:47

    Wow…. You have no idea what a liberal is….

    A true liberal is someone who doesn’t poke their nose in someone else’s business.
    Also, as long as we are making broad ignorant generalizations:
    “Living life as a conservative would be so easy in Texas, I could just go and stick a scanner into some hussy’s pants to show her that she’s a ‘slut’ as rush would put it”

    Really though… You should think before you pretend you Know something.

    Reply this comment

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