Hotel Taxifornia

The Eagles band is starting a tour Tuesday around California and the West Coast. I’ve come up with some new lyrics, which I’m sure they’ll use, for their signature song. It’s called…

“Hotel Taxifornia”

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of Cohibas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There he stood in the doorway;
Ringing the Taxman’s bell
And I was thinking to myself,
“This could be Hades or this could be Hell”
Then he lit up a stogie and he showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say…

Welcome to the Hotel Taxifornia
Such a lovely tax (Such a lovely tax)
Tax ’em to the max
Plenty of room at the Hotel Taxifornia
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can tax it here

His mind is tax grabbing-twisted, he got the Hummer blues
He got a lot of taxy taxy boys he calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget

So I called up the Captain,
“‘Please bring me my tax.”
He said, “We haven’t had that spirit here since nineteen sixty six.”
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say…

Welcome to the Hotel Taxifornia
Such a lovely tax (Such a lovely tax)
Tax ’em to the max
They livin’ it up at the Hotel Taxifornia
What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)
Bring your alibis

Mirrors in you jail cell,
They’re puttin’ your head in ice
And he said, “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device”
And in the Taxman’s chambers,
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their 1040s,
But they just can’t kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
“Relax,” said the night man,
“We are programmed to receive.
You can check-out any time you like,
But you can never leave!”

— John Seiler