Tossing in the conservative towel

May 14, 2012

By Katy Grimes

Since yesterday was Mother’s Day and all about me, I’ve decided that I want to get up every morning and be happy.

I realized that it was time to toss in the conservative towel and become a liberal. Being a conservative in California is too challenging, and too often a huge fight.

Conservatives can’t ever let up, on any issue. Consequently, everything in the state is a battle. And I’m just tired of it.

In order to fulfill my new “it’s all about me” mantra, embracing liberalism is my only choice.

How happy will my days be?

Every morning from now on will be happy when I read the Sacramento Bee. Because I won’t be screaming at the liberal editorials or slanted news stories any longer, my day will start out mellow as I finally read things I agree with.

My job

Then I’ll get into my car, drive downtown and park in a metered parking space along L Street at the Capitol, use my handicap placard, and be able to stay in my choice parking place all day, and for free.

I deserve this – I’ve had several back surgeries and an entitled to easier parking and less walking. Who cares if my butt gets bigger–the ADA will protect me now.

Next, I will walk into the Capitol and be embraced by Democrats who now like me. The same Democrats who used to hold up my press credentials will invite me to press conferences and caucus meetings.

They’ll invite me into their offices, and we’ll talk shop. Then, they will fill my satchel with press releases from which I will write my stories.

I will probably even get my press desk back sitting behind Assembly Speaker John Perez in Assembly chambers.

Being friends with the majority party will be so much easier for me. I know that can deal with the sneers from the shrinking Republican caucus. There are fewer of them than the Democrats who used to sneer at me. Besides, most Republicans are not comfortable being seen talking with  me.

My mobile life

Now as liberals, my husband and I will need to unload our gas guzzlers. I see a Prius in my husband’s future, and since I live and work downtown, I should be taking the bus anyway. In the mild weather, I can saddle up my cool Townie bicycle, strap my hemp satchel across my back, and ride to work. But with all of the gear I haul, I will probably need to add a bike trailer.

Home life

My house was built in 1931. Now with my new liberalsim, I can get solar panels on the high-pitched roof of my house, let the lawn dry up and put in an environmentally friendly drought-tolerant yard.

My house still has the original old leaded glass windows. I’ll obviously need to replace those rickity old windows with new, plastic-frames energy efficient windows. Hopefully someone can hook my up with some stimulus money to pay for this.

For the solar panels I will call Solyndra, Solar Trust, Evergreen, or SpectraWatt. Oops–they are all bankrupt.

Well, never mind. I’ll call Mary Nichols at CARB and ask for a recommendation. If I hook up with my new friends at CARB, the clean-air police will probably pass by my house when they start enforcing AB 32.

The day is shaping up to be a happy one. We’ll see how long this liberal euphoria lasts. After Gov. Jerry Brown’s May revise of the state budget, I may join John Seiler and just flee to Belize or Mexico instead.

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